


Loop of Unhappiness

by oisiflaneur



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-19 23:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5983879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oisiflaneur/pseuds/oisiflaneur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of written material relating to the release and reception of Alex Kralie's <i>Marble Hornets</i>; from press releases and professional reviews, to blog posts and school essays.</p>
<p>Takes places in a universe where he actually got to finish it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loop of Unhappiness

**Author's Note:**

> commissioned by my friend tin. at some point we were talking about what the community reaction would be like if the theatrical slenderman movie released last year had just been the [original marble hornets project](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzb-gK0wVrs), completed. and somehow it snowballed into a 'alex never gets sidetracked by that whole murder thing and actually finishes his first great opus' au. i tried to format everything recognizably, but lord knows if that worked. OH, and i used [ this generator](http://noemata.net/pa/titlegen/) for inspiration for kralie's names for things. 
> 
> **content warnings:** spoilers for the director's area segment of the official site, i guess?? not really for the actual series at all. also one of the blog posts is very much based on a real Internet Argument that somebody started with me, so it's not. actually exaggerated.
> 
> my general writing tag is [here](http://oisiflaneur.tumblr.com/tagged/graywrites) for drabbles and news!

FOR MORE INFORMATION:

Alex Kralie

Producer

Transparent Air

555 640 2011

 

**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE!!**

**AMERICA TO FEEL THE “STING”!**  

> After a series of unfortunate delays, the anxiously awaited _Marble Hornets_ is coming to a theatre near you! A potent story of love, friendship, and growing up; _Marble Hornets_ has been brought to you by a fresh faced but extremely dedicated team of artists just trying to capture the universal experience of growing up and finding yourself. _Marble Hornets_ follows the personal discoveries of loveable everyman Brian, returning to his hometown after university, only to find that he’s changed more than the city he once hailed from. Is it true that you can’t go back home? Find out, in Alex Kralie’s _Marble Hornets!_
> 
> The film is scheduled for a limited release. Cities include Los Angeles, New York, Seattle, and Orlando, and potentially others!

**TO REQUEST OR HOST A SCREENING, CONTACT ALEX KRALIE.**

**a.kralie@transparentairfilms.org**

**@KralieFilmsInc**

 

* * *

  
**Marble Hornets (2014, Alex Kralie)**

★ **✩✩✩✩**

The festival circuit and independent scene have brought us a number of classics through the years. And now that filmmaking technology is more accessible than ever before, even the amatuer auteur can create and release a feature length film.

Alex Kralie’s _Marble Hornets_ makes me wonder whether this is, in fact, a positive thing.

It is, actually, such a mess that I don’t even know where to start, which is a first. The acting? The production values? The editing? Even the fonts in the credits are atrocious.

But, after some thought, I decided that the most egregious offender was the script. After all, one can hardly blame the workman who is given tools that are not just shoddy, but… Well. Another adjective that begins with a ‘sh’ and ends with a ‘y’.

To say that the dialogue leaves something to be desired would be perhaps the greatest understatement of my career. The mix of pretention and ignorance is positively nauseating, largely because you feel tossed back and forth; from conversations about the utterly banal, to attempts by armchair metaphysicists to lend some gravity to the goings on. Unfortunately, the parallels never quite manage to line up. They really end up being more like perpendiculars. 

The “plot” is about Brian, a young man returning to the small southern town that he grew up in, only to find that he has changed more than it has (never heard that one before). This narrative is pushed along by stilted conversations between the he and the people that he left behind, in particular a young lady whom he had some measure of affection for prior to going to college. Did I mention that he is straight out of college?

That’s right. It’s nearly two hours of screentime, about a boomerang baby’s romantic struggles. Oh, and did I _also_ mention? The leading lady in question was his high school sweetheart. Because people who go to prom together are simply meant to spend the rest of their lives together. And it must be true love, because our protagonist just couldn't stop thinking about her while he was away.

Which would be a great deal more believable if the girl in question had any kind of presence or personality. The only reason that I know her name is Sarah is that the script makes sure to mention this approximately every five minutes.

And it may not be such a hardship to listen to if what was happening on screen could be understood. I don’t mean a baffling lack of motivation for any of the character’s decisions -- though there’s that to wrestle with as well -- but the fact that the sound shifts completely when the location does. Somehow, the scenes shot indoors are actually more mumbled and muted than the ones outside, which I believe is a first in film history. So, at the very least, _Marble Hornets_ has that claim to fame.

But maybe that’s for the best. When the sound _is_ audible, it’s either painfully trite exchanges between collegiate cardboard cutouts (as I mentioned), or overloud ukelele strumming. Now, I have no kind of grudge against the instrument, but it’s thematically jarring, and makes it even more difficult to take anything happening onscreen seriously. I’ve seen enough shots of an emotionally tormented young man running down a path to an orchestral swell that they no longer impress me, so I can’t say that a twangy little jingle does the job. 

I suppose that the only saving grace is that the script had no call for special effects, since I imagine these would have only offended my eyes even more.

And the true tragedy here isn’t the wasted money, it’s the wasted potential. _Hornets_ ’ director actually has some talent for composition and lighting, but it’s lost amidst the murky resolution and poor recording. Not that the best editing in the world could have saved the script, but were Kralie to work visually on someone else’s intellectual property, he might be able to make a name for himself.

Now, it’s possible that you think I am being too harsh. In all honesty, I might even agree with you. But I ask that you reserve judgement until after experiencing it for yourself. I’ve tried to make clear my personal problems with the work, but I only have so much time left on this earth, and I’d like to spend _some_ of those hours on movies that are worth it.

Unfortunately, _Marble Hornets_ is not one of them. If love is four balls at the edge of a cliff, then this film makes me want to hurl myself past them.

 

* * *

 

**PLEASE SUPPORT MARBLE HORNETS!!!**

even if it’s not for the reasons you usually would.

holy shit okay like. you guys know i never make these but please. PLEASE go see marble hornets. it’s not doing very well b/c of the limited release so if it’s possible for you, you really gotta catch it while you can.

because idek if it’s gonna even be possible to find online but everyone needs to put this on their eyes like. YESTERDAY.

just. please. im trying so hard to find the words to describe this movie and i really can’t. instead i’m just gonna make a list of things that happen in this film, that i honestly could not make up if i tried:

  * when somebody asks ‘are you high’ the ACTUAL RESPONSE is “yeah, high on life.”
  * despite the fact that he is actually high?? or is supposed to be????
  * he spends most of his ‘trip’ giggling and mumbling “i can see the colors” so......,.....,.
  * seriously the script is amazing in the best way, none of it is anything that any real human would say and i love it
  * there’s an entire subplot about an alabama farm closing down that serves no purpose except to make one of the characters go into writing instead, because you can’t be a poet AND a farmer obvs
  * but he still drives the tractor around??????
  * i dont think he has a normal car.
  * if youve ever lived out in the country this actually does kind of make sense which i am so ashamed to say aloud
  * i miss tractor day. high school was w i l d
  * there’s a ten minute dream sequence involving the protagonist’s conscience -- which is I THINK his army dad but in a horse mask?? -- and a bicyle.
  * all of the girls clearly don’t want to be there and it’s so hilarious to me???? “sarah” especially is obviously just reacting to the other cast members and i love it
  * i honestly think that the sountrack was recorded in somebody’s basement.
  * seriously please i’m fucking bseide myself about this its INCREDIBLE
  * like please, guys, i just need somebody else to understand what this film is like. it is a completely absurd fantasy pretending to be a coming of age story and IT IS FANTASTIC.
  * stay for the credits because i swear to god almost all of the characters are just. named after their actor?? unless this is some really dedicated rp or something idek
  * how did this movie even get made somebody please explain to me



i am LITERALLY BEGGING YOU, please go see this and give the studio some money so that they can make more movies. preferably with sound mixing that doesn’t leave all the girls pretty much impossible to hear.

_#marble hornets #marble hornets movie #alex kralie’s marble hornets #marblehornets #personal #please please please #i mean it this movie is an EXPERIENCE #it’s like #jupiter ascending levels of WHAT AM I WATCHING RIGHT NOW #except that it’s about a straight white dude #which honestly just makes it funnier #the attempted gravitas is just amazing_

 

* * *

 

**holy shit**

the posts going around made me curious about m*rble h*rnets, so i tracked down a local screening and dragged the boyfriend along. even with the memes it spawned lately, i thought Well, it can’t possibly be THAT bad.

i was so, so wrong.

_#text #captain’s log #not gonna tag it #i don’t want to get into a fight with the stans #one of whom is unfortunately #my darling dearest #why you gotta do this to me #i mean i love you anyway but dang_

 

* * *

 

**///**  

> if i see one more fuckin post about how shitty mh is im gonna blow a gasket.
> 
> like???? does literally no one else understand that its a parody. it’s making fun of all those shitty student films

oh wait i figured it out

its because none of you had to sit thru shitty student films b/c none of you went to film school and therefore dont know what the fuck you’re talking abt :)

_#viztalks #film student problems #salty.txt #seriously #mh #akmh #smdh #w/e i guess ill just be the smartest person in the room again #also the mst irritated #normally i dont talk like that but this is really grinding my gears_

 

* * *

 

**Unbelievable.**

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. One of the most impressive feats of the year is being shunned by SJWs just because it doesn’t pander to them. The true irony is that if the main character was a disabled gay POC, they'd be eating it up. It's amazing that such a small team actually put this together from scratch and had it premiere across America. Sure, it’s a little rough around the edges. But nobody’s first project is perfect. And obviously, the team won’t be able to make anything else if this tanks, but nobody seems to be thinking about that.

Or… Hmmmm, wait. What if that’s what they _want_ to happen?

...

I think I’m going to preorder my Blu-Ray tonight.

_#Alex Kralie’s Marble Hornets #Film #Opinion #Marble Hornets #SJWs #Incredible #Storytelling #Growing up #Horses_

* * *

 

Eli Visconti

FMST-306B

Auteur Theory in the 21st Century

Prof. Trelle

 

**Carving Out a Nest: Parody & Pastiche in Alex Kralie’s ** **_Marble Hornets_ **

> Plagued by production problems and put together by a small crew consisting primarily of amateurs, _Marble Hornets_ has earned itself a reputation as one of the worst films of the era. However, careful examination reveals that the creative choices were made in an effort to caricature the pretentiousness (and sometimes incompetence) enabled by auteur culture: a mockery of overconfident yet banal student films that all critics have most certainly had to sit through. Unfortunately, instead, it is generally known as a flop, and one which rivals other sincerely “bad” titles such as _Troll 2_ or _Manos._ In this paper, I will examine exactly which factors contributed to this, from production to marketing and reception. The goal is to deconstruct what may have gone wrong, and to provide an analysis of what parody creators in the future can learn from the way events unfolded.   
> 
> Keywords: _film studies; independent film; comedy theory; Hollywood_

 

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* * *

 

FOR MORE INFORMATION:

Alex Kralie

Executive Producer

Transparent Air Studios

555 640 2011

**FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

**AN UNDEFINABLE SUCCESS**

> The people that brought you the indie classic _Marble Hornets_ have done it again! Their next masterpiece, _Our Undefined Absence_ , will be coming to local theatres across the country! While in no way a continuation of the previous narrative, _Absence_ continues the tradition of exploring the struggle of existential melancholy and the great lie that is the American dream. Follow the adventures of struggling author James as he hitchhikes across the country looking for inspiration, instead discovering what it really means to be human in the modern era. Don't miss _Our Undefined Absence_!
> 
> The film is scheduled for a limited release, but details are still being discussed with the distributors. If you don’t want to miss this historic event, talk to your local theatre about bringing a screening to your city or town!

 

**TO REQUEST OR HOST A SCREENING, CONTACT ALEX KRALIE.**

**a.kralie@transparentairfilms.org**

**@KralieFilmsInc**

 


End file.
